Free Football World Cup 2006 Team News Guidebook For Journalists

This guide aims to help media and the great UK unwashed understand more about the teams that will be taking part in World Cup 2006 in Germany.

The teams are listed in alphabetical order and each section contains information about the country, key players, media opportunities, media threats a Motty* quote and the co-owners of 10 Yetis thoughts on the chances of each team winning.

Off we go, we hope you enjoy.

Angola Team News

Background
The fact that at the time of writing the Angolan government's website was down says a lot about this country and its World Cup 2006 prospects.

Having had a quick look around it would appear that the Angolan people have had a pretty tough time of it over the years and I am not one to apportion blame but all the historians seem to point at the Portuguese as the reasoning for this. Coffee is big in Angola so maybe the odd jar of Nescafe will come in handy before the big matches. First time they have been at a World Cup since 1984.

Key players
Got to be the midfield captain Akwa. Used to play for Benfica. Not sure what made him leave to join the multi-millionaire backed Quatar?

Media Opportunities: Took them six attempts to get to the World Cup 2006.

Media Threats: The captains name sounding like the dodgy euro pop band that brought us the tune Barbie Girl?

Motty Quote: “With the home kit having the yellow and black rings around the waist they look a bit like bee's, so lets hope their sting is firing in front of goal hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Some of the youth team that won the Youth World Cup are starting to break though but come on… in reality they will surely fall at the first hurdle!

Jilly's Verdict: Why do they all have shaven heads in the team shot I have seen. A cry for help, or a nation of baldies?

Argentina Team News

Background
Widely credited by all Grandparents in the UK as being the inventors of Corned Beef which automatically puts them on a downer. There are some obvious things we could mention such as the cheating druggy Maradona, but we won't. Instead let's concentrate on the country and its football. They are still amongst the favourites for World Cup 2006 and their pedigree speaks for itself. Clams (not of the bearded variety) are credited as being one of the largest products to be exported from Argentina and Wikipedia makes a sweeping statement that the country is quite corrupt. How very rude!

Key players
Hernan Crespo who plays for Chelsea is quite handy in front of goal, but only when he has remembered to put his hair band in to keep it out of his eyes. Walter Samuel is another key player, but maybe a nearing the end of his career. If Veron stopped having barnies with the coach he could do a job too.

Media Opportunities: Look out for Corned Beef shaped diagrams in the tabloid papers to support articles. Why not have an office sweepstake for the amount of times the BBC shows Maradonna doing that drug crazed run at the camera from a previous World Cup and Gary Lineker looking bitter.

Media Threats: Along with Germany and France, for some reason not many people like Argentina. Keep in mind that they dive quicker than a Philippino in a red light district and I can see the headline writers having a field day.

Motty Quote: “With Crespo's star sign being a Gemini the coach will be praying he turns out to be the Gem of the Argentinean squad hey Lawro ”.

Andy's Verdict: They dive and cheat so bad it hurts but you have to pay them grudging respect for past glories. But is that all they bring to this World Cup, past glories? An outside favourite at most.

Jilly's Verdict: With his hair down that Crespo looks like the Dulux dog. I always find that the colour light blue reminds me of people who smell of wee as well.

Australia Team News

Background
If only every nation was as friendly as the Aussies. Not quite sure what their largest exported product is apart from kick-ass pop tunes and TV soaps that you can miss for months and still work out what moral dilemma is going down. Their supporters will be game for a laugh and I doubt Ze Germans will have seen anything like it. Let the good times roll.

Key players
Not sure if the whinging porky Viduka will make it, and to be honest they could do without him disrupting the squad. When in form Harry Kewell has to be the main man and he has recovered from all those nasty injuries and is playing well for Liverpool. The keeper Schwarzer is good too.

Media Opportunities: The diagram to accompany news stories will be all the tired old clichés of hats with cork strings and Kewell couldn't give a XXXX about the teams they face. Let's hope Rolf Harris sings their World Cup song and we will all be happy.

Media Threats: It's not the size of your didgeridoo that's important; it's what you do with it that counts. Three words of warning, “wobble boards”, used by the untrained they pose a physical threat to all media making unkind remarks about Oz tactics.

Motty Quote: “Let's hope that Kewell has donned his dancing shoes for this game so he goes Waltzing Matilda up the wing”.

Andy's Verdict: I fancy these as worth a flutter for reaching the finals. The Ozy's may appear laid back but not when it comes to sport. They could even go all the way… you heard it here first!

Jilly's Verdict: So many bronzed hunks (and Mark Viduka), so little time.

Brazil Team News

Background
What more can you say than “wow”. No doubt the ugliest football team God has ever set down on this earth, but he more than made up for it with their talent. Apart from the nuts and rainforest the largest product the country exports is talented footballers and the world's most popular lady-hole hair-design. More corrupt than the UK's cash for peerage scheme the Brazilian government appears to know what life is all about, having a bit of a good time and maybe this relaxed style is why Brazil is ranked Number One by FIFA.

Key players
So many, but Ronaldinho, Ronaldo and KAKA are amongst the best. Anyone would give their right arm for the majority of the Brazilian players (unless you are a goalkeeper when a right arm comes in handy) apart from the defence, but even that is tightening up.

Media Opportunities: Look out for “buck tooth assassins” headlines and journalists carrying around Pukka pies to try and tempt Ronaldo into giving a quote.

Media Threats: The Brazilian coach should keep an eye on Ronaldinho as he appears to want to sleep with any female he can (see his last visit to the UK and the Page 3 “stunner” expose).

Motty Quote: “It is a well known fact that Ronaldo's wife holds the world record for keepy-ups. So the coach is bound to be praying that she doesn't transfer this talent to the bedroom and tire him out, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: If they can keep Ronaldo away from the breakfast buffet bar and Ronaldinho away from the ladies then these are always going to be in with a shout.

Jilly's Verdict: So sad, why would anyone call their child KAKA?

Costa Rica Team News

Background
When reading about Costa Rica I was surprised to hear it had a region called “The Rim of Fire”. I can sympathise with the Costa Rican people as I once had this after a dodgy curry in Walsall, West Midlands UK. Its economy is propped up by exporting coffee, bananas, sugar, pineapples, textiles and electronic components to America and also makes an absolute fortune from tourism. 90% of the population is Roman Catholic and it seems an all round nice kinda place, with the obvious exception being the odd bloody-big earthquake. The most recent large earthquake in 1991 registered as “holy-shit” level on the Richter scale.

Key players
According to FIFA Gilberto Martinez is best known for fearless defending… not quite sure what that means, I guess it relates to him being a bit of a thug on the pitch? Should be good to watch.

Media Opportunities: Why not use a diagram of the striker being fired out of a volcano or bring back the romantic coffee campaign with the couple who got it on, but use Costa Rican players for actors?

Media Threats: There is a reason no-one found the inhabitants of Costa Rica until the 16th century. Just tread careful with media questions… the last thing we want is to lose a journo to a bit of witchcraft.

Motty Quote: “The team may not Costa fortune but they play with a spirit that is commendable, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: I just don't know. They strike me as the Charlton Athletic of the World Cup, they could turn over a big team but in reality they are a bit average? First plane home after group stages I reckon.

Jilly's Verdict: If they were not discovered till the 16th Century, what were they doing until then?

Côte d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast to you and I, don't you know) Team News

Background
Seems quite a switched on place, after all they ditched the French from being their owners in 1960 so can't be all bad. Reading on you hear that in recent times there has been the odd bit of Military Couping going down, bad form if you ask me… turns out no one did ask me. Something fishy must be going down as the entire country is on the CIA's “watch list” and the average life expectancy for a bloke is 48 yrs… eek!

Key players
Has to be Didia Drogba who plays for Chelsea Football Club and is such a cheat the Times newspaper in London started an anti-diving campaign as a result of his handiwork. Bakayoko is another good player but he may miss out as he is from “the North” of the country and the Ivory Coast Prime Minister has requested that less northerners be in the team… ok!

Media Opportunities: Given that it is famous for diamonds expect some kind of “rough diamond” headlines if the team get anywhere. The teams nickname “The Elephants” has got to be worth the odd interesting diagram to support a story.

Media Threats: With Drogba playing you can also expect him to feature highly in the World Cup 2006 Divers League-Table.

Motty Quote: “Famous for its natural gas and petroleum, lets hope the Ivory Coast puts its foot down and drives a steady course to the second stage, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: I fancy these to be a surprise package as long as Drogba stays fit they will always be likely to get goals thanks to his penalty awarding dives.

Jilly's Verdict: So is there actual Elephants on the Ivory Coast, I am not so sure I trust them?

Croatia Team News

Background
The team with “that” kit! The history of Croatia is messy and makes for gruesome reading; all you need to know is that they are all ok now. Tourism is beginning to boom again and the national parks are world famous. I remember it because it is the country where my dad heard me swear for the first time. You see I lent on some wet paint (warning was in Croatian, how was I supposed to read that?) and it ruined my new Diadora shell-suit. I think I used the “F” word.

Key players
Darijo Srna is a wing back who is bloody quick. He plays club football for a team in Ukraine that sounds like some form of kebab; Shakhtar Donetsk (no chilli sauce for me). Niko Kranjcar is the coaches son so he will always get in the team, but on merit. Word on the street is that he is a creative genius.

Media Opportunities: I am hoping that we may see some from of chess related diagram using the Croatia shirt as the board and the players as the pieces. They are a PR dream as quite a few of them have mullets, let's start a campaign.

Media Threats: As mentioned, a few of the players have mullets and the odd other dodgy haircut. Could be difficult to manage from a crisis PR point of view.

Motty Quote: “Did you know Lawro that the inventor of the modern day parachute, Faust Vrancˇic´, came from Croatia so let's hope the coach pulls the right cord and they float on through to the second stage”.

Andy's Verdict: In recent times Croatia has risen from obscurity to being a power in World football, I just don't think they have enough to do well in this World Cup… Croatia, your fired as Sir Alan would say.

Jilly's Verdict: The shirt is like a magic eye puzzle, if I squint when watching them play on TV I am sure I see the message “Cherry Seven Up is the saviour”?

Czech Republic Team News

Background
With Prague rapidly becoming the stag weekend capital of Europe all the gothic architecture needs to be treated with chemicals to stop it crumbling due to drunk's wee-ing everywhere. Said by many, including my friend Tom who learnt some alternative uses for ping pong balls whilst over there, to be quite a corrupt country.

Key players
Unless they dust off David Suker again, aged 103, the main players are the keeper Peter Cech and the surprisingly good strike force of Jan Koller and Milan Baros.

Media Opportunities: If the media were supportive of the Czech's then they cold lobby for Baros to finally go to specsavers to get his eyesight sorted.

Media Threats: It could finally be revealed that Baros is rubbish and only managed to win the golden boot for the Euro championships because half his goals bounced of his arse whilst tying his shoe laces at corners.

Motty Quote: “If they score 3 goals in the first half of any match then their defence is so tight you would think it would be Czech mate, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Another team I tip to do well just as long as that useless lump Baros gets injured in the group stages and a real striker gets chance.

Jilly's Verdict: Milan's hair was so lovely when he first joined Liverpool, and then he went and grew it and started that Alice band trend. Such a shame, a real shame.

Ecuador Team News

Background
Another country that appears to be on the CIA watch-list, or could they just be a little paranoid? USA was never the most trusting nation. A startling bit of information is that Equador has an amazing 200 airports that don't have paved runways. Don't tell Ryan Air or they will charge more to go to the paved ones.

Key players
Christian Lara says that he was born with a gift for football and the attacking midfielder will be one to watch this summer. Billed as the next Beckham, watch and wonder as we all try to work out how much Abramnovich will pay for him.

Media Opportunities: If they manage to beat Germany on the krauts home turf them the world will love them.

Media Threats: How long will it take the media to work out that the country is famous for its wind power. Watch out for fart gags.

Motty Quote: “Let's hope the coach does not live up to his name and Quito on them hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Equador could win award for the scariest team photo ever take (see the FIFA website). I think they will have to be very lucky to go through to the second stages.

Jilly's Verdict: A very powerful sounding name for a country. My tip to do well.

England Team News

Background
Where do we start then? Last won the World Cup in 1966 and by god don't we go on about it? The England supporters have potential to get arrested on mass and I cringe at some of the abuse that will be handed out to the German authorities. Currently there is a “chav” phenomenon sweeping the country, which basically endorses hoop earrings that are big enough to allow police dogs to jump through and tattoo's on the small of the back that are known affectionately as “tramp stamps”.

Key players
The main threat, both physically and emotionally is Wayne Rooney. A world class midfield of Beckham, Gerrard and Lampard is supported by an equally talented defence, not including the international icon Gary Neville of course.

Media Opportunities: Look out for war related headlines if England go far in Germany.

Media Threats: Celebrity status is awarded to all England players, one of which we are told by the media has a penchant for sleeping with old ladies. I fear pictures may emerge of Rooney dressed in Lederhosen trying to fondle Tord Grip during post match celebrations.

Motty Quote: “Whatever the cost may be, we shall play them on the beaches, we shall play them on the training grounds, we shall play them in the fields and in the streets, we shall play them on the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this team or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the football pitch, armed and guarded by the Football Association, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to lift the World Cup, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: I really want us to win it so we can finally stop harping on about 1966. I think for the first time in decades we have a team strong enough to at least reach the final.

Jilly's Verdict: As long as the World Cup does not bring the Vindaloo song back to the pop charts then we will win.

France Team News

Background
Labelled by many in the western world as “Cheese eating surrender monkeys” which is incredibly rude and something 10 Yetis hates to have to mention. Known for being the kings of the sacred art of protesting, the residents have even been known to set fire to the odd live sheep in order to get their point across to the Government. On the more cultured side the French and Italians are in constant battle for the title as coolest place in the world to live.

Key players
At the grand old age of 70, Zinidine Zidane has said that this will be his last world cup. He is still a world class player and because of this we all forgive him for that time he vomited before taking a penalty, allegedly due to nerves.

Media Opportunities: So many opportunities. Along with Argentina not many people like the French so maybe a charm offensive is needed such as replacing the Gallic shrug with a big old hug?

Media Threats: Look out for question marks about the French ability to cross the border into Germany. The last time the World Cup took place a national tabloid editor nearly got sacked for going over the top with a headline about the Germans. Imagine much of the same this time with the French.

Motty Quote: “Let's hope that the French players don't do a “French air traffic controller impression” and go on strike, hey Lawro.

Andy's Verdict: Past it. Out first stage, will have to get the bus back to France as the planes will be out of action.

Jilly's Verdict: Cheese, Wine and a relaxed culture means France rates highly on my list of places for retirement. As for football, let's hope they go out first round.

Germany Team News

Background
What's not to love about the Germans? They dress up in groovy costumes, drink lager that is of such strength that it can make you blind and generally seem to be developing their much maligned sense of humour. So what that every now and again they hog the pool loungers and take smelly meat into the theatre (Savoy theatre, April 2006, Rat Pack, sat in the row behind me).

Key players
Michael Ballack is the one we are all told to watch, that being said he still has one of those dodgy ‘curtains' style hair cuts.

Media Opportunities: The media will go overboard about the Germans, I am not even getting started on all the opportunities out there.

Media Threats: Two slips of the keyboard and Michael Ballack's surname could turn out to be a 9pm pre-watershed hazard.

Motty Quote: “No doubt that the Coach is hoping that the players did not go out and get Brahms and Lisst the night before kick off, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Another team that trades on past glory. Cannot see them doing that well, even on home turf.

Jilly's Verdict: A beautifully efficient country and I fully expect them to efficiently leave the World Cup 2006 at the group stages.

Ghana Team News

Background
Its border runs alongside Ivory Coast but they are not in the same group so why even mention it. In 1957 it ditched the Brits, claimed independence and then a bit of Military Couping went on until they all settled down in 1981 with a cup of tea and a new leader. A pile of gold lays in them there hills and it is continually mined out and then exported around the world. Also should be noted that this is the first time Ghana has qualified for a World Cup.

Key players
He may be billed by the British media as a bit of a thug but Michael Essien is a World Class player who will no doubt kick big lumps out of people at an international level during World Cup 2006.

Media Opportunities: One of the Ghanaian players is called Prince, let the headlines roll in.

Media Threats: He is a quality player but Essien also has the potential for Kamikazee tackles and he could start an unwarranted anti-Ghana media campaign if it starts kicking off.

Motty Quote: “With a Prince in the team we know that if he goes the way of his musical namesake his symbol will be the world renowned football, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Potential for thuggary aside I don't really see them doing much despite being CONCAF winners in the past.

Jilly's Verdict: Nice plain white kit with cheeky little black shorts, my tip as the underdogs to watch out for in World Cup 2006.

Iran Team News

Background
Widely anticipated to be next in line for George Bush's “Lets go and get us another country” tour times are tough for those governing Iran. On the football pitch the current squad is considered by those in the Iranian know to be the best they have ever been able to field.

Key players
Ali Karimi is the midfielder of choice for Iran. He has an ankle ligament injury that could see him not make a return to his club side Bayern Munich until the end of the season. Billed by the German media as the replacement for Michael Bollock when he leaves for Chelsea.

Media Opportunities: A good chance for the team to show how friendly they are.

Media Threats: Let's hope the Iranian president does not use World Cup 2006 as a political opportunity to kick off about nuclear capability and all that jazz.

Motty Quote: “Iranian players have the ultimate setting for football training with the Garden of Eden widely believed to have been in Iran, bet you would have loved to train on that pitch hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: A good squad that will disappointingly but rapidly progress to the airport after the group stages to go back home empty handed.

Jilly's Verdict: Why don't they use the magic carpets to defeat the opposition, would give the commentators something to talk about at half time.

Italy Team News

Background
What can you say about Italy that has not been said already? The people are pretty, the towns and villages are pretty and the football is even prettier. Known for being overly emotional and generally a bit girly we all love the Italians. So good at football they shaped the country to look like a bloke with a football boot on.

Key players
De Rossi is an accomplished holding midfielder and he is the catalyst for the Italians counter attacking style. He is that good that he will no doubt end up at Chelsea soon.

Media Opportunities: Watch out for some spaghetti style diagrams and far too many references to hair gel.

Media Threats: Let's face it, the Italians are divers and pleaders. They are responsible for that nasty habit of players pretending to wave a card when they have fallen over.

Motty Quote: “(to the tune of “That's Amoray”), When the balls in the net and the cheeks are getting wet, that's the Italians… hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: I was watching the Italians play on TV and bumped the screen reaching for my beer, 7 of the players fell down and appealed for free kicks. Still, good to watch, if only for the pleading. Will no doubt go far in World Cup 2006.

Jilly's Verdict: A bunch of lovely looking lads who I cannot imagine wanting to get dirty and sweaty on a football pitch.

Japan Team News

Background
No doubts about it, the technology capital of the world. This will be the team that every other team will want to know just to play with all the gadgets. When FIFA introduced random tests for robots I heard on the grapevine it was because they had suspicions that 7 of the Japan squad were made up of micro robotics… FACT!

Key players
Hidetoshi Nakata plays for the mighty Bolton Wonderers and is part of the Big Sam revolution. He is arguably Japans leading player and has played all over the globe.

Media Opportunities: If the media don't write nice things the Japanese have the technological prowess to neutralise the paper printing process.

Media Threats: Getting rumbled for introducing the world's first fully electronic player.

Motty Quote: “Lawro I have looked directly into the heart of a Japanese eye and I know that they will do well in this tournament”.

Andy's Verdict: An outside favourite but they are in a group of death which is a shame as they have a good squad. If they make it through the group stages could be one to watch.

Jilly's Verdict: They just all look so trendy with their blue kits and funky hair cuts. They are my team of choice for World Cup 2006.

Korea Team News

Background
Not quite as secret as its neighbour and plays a significant role in the global economy. Traces of a Korean presence on this fair world date back to 7000bc! Make a bundle on exporting the kind of wireless equipment that means we can sit in the garden shed and surf the internet in peace without having wires tripping everyone up. In fact, Korea is seen by many as the authority when it comes to wireless communication. Don't forget that Korea got to the semi's in the last world cup in 2002.

Key players
Well, it would have been Lee Dong-Gook but he went and got himself an injury so the influential striker is out of World Cup 2006. The goalkeeper Lee Woon-Jae is considered to be the best in the J-League so keep and eye out for this fellow.

Media Opportunities: Anything related to ancient history will no doubt be associated with Korea. Everyone loves Korea so look out for plenty of positive write ups.

Media Threats: Like the wireless equipment they make their money from, there is always that potential for things not working as they should? Media backlash could be on the cards if they under perform.

Motty Quote: “Lets hope that their football is as spicy as the national food, Kimchi, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: The team you want on your side in a bust-up. Without home advantage I think they will struggle to get through the group stages.

Jilly's Verdict: The coach is Dutch and funnily enough the Korean kit is now Orange like the Dutch.. a coincidence?

Saudi Arabia Team News

Background
If you collected every child's piggy bank from Western Europe, added together the money, and times it by 100 you would still have no-where near the same amount that the Saudi Arabians have down the back of their couches. Richer than Simon Cowell and more obsessed with oil than George Dubya himself this is the country to ask for a loan from.

Key players
Yasser Al Qahtani is Saudi Arabia's most expensive player since his $10m move to Al Hilal. Combined with Al Jaber they form a decent strike force.

Media Opportunities: Diagrams featuring oil wells and of course maybe this is another chance for the News of the World to dust of the Fake Sheikh?

Media Threats: Nobody likes a show off, let alone a wealthy show off. Stories may emerge about massive bonus payments that could dwarf some of the other nations.

Motty Quote: “In parts of Saudi the temperature hits 115 so these lads may struggle in a cold European climate, hey Lawro”

Andy's Verdict: In a really tough group and to be honest I think they are only there to make up the numbers. Cannot see them getting anywhere other than back on their own private jets back home after round one.

Jilly's Verdict: Dressed in an all white kit they certainly look alright.

Mexico Team News

Background
The first evidence of Mexicans can be traced back to 20,000 years ago! Perennial underachievers along with Spain maybe this will be their year to go on and do well? Been in the FIFA top 10 ranking for several years so things look promising for the coach Ricardo Lavolpe.

Key players
Defender Carlos Salcido is a class act with great pace. Francisco Fonseca is a big time player for Mexico. If these two perform well then the team will be very difficult to beat.

Media Opportunities: Look out for sombrero's and bottles of tequila if they win.

Media Threats: Loom out for sombrero's and diagrams of sleepy Mexicans if they don't win.

Motty Quote: “Hey Lawro, did you know that Mexico has only one heliport in the entire country? Must be all those jumping beans meaning they don't have to fly anywhere”

Andy's Verdict: In an easy-ish group so would expect them to go through fairly smoothly. Given that they bat Brazil in a competitive tournament last year these are ones to watch.

Jilly's Verdict: One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

Netherlands Team News

Background
Another entry from the league of the great underperformers. Considering that everyone knows Holland is the most chilled out place in the world it is always surprising to hear of dressing room unrest. They could all do with a trip out to the bulb fields for a spot of team bonding. Went there for a weekend break once. Nice place although it has suffered from stag weekend visits from Neanderthal British blokes wee-ing in the canals.

Key players
So many. Ruud Van Pistolwhip is a quality player but looks like a bit of a moaner. The keeper, Van Der Saar is top and the winger Robben is ok if not a bit of cheat when it comes to diving.

Media Opportunities: The tired old gimmicks of the Flying Dutchman is bound to be dragged out and dusted off.

Media Threats: If they play at anything other than break neck speed we can guarantee a reference or 7 to Holland legalising cannabis consumption.

Motty Quote: “Marco Van Basten has said they are going to win it so let's hope this Dutchman gets off to a flying start, hey Lawro”

Andy's Verdict: Every tournament they qualify for I think they are going to do it this time, and every time they let me down. Good, but are they good enough?

Jilly's Verdict: With all that orange on show they are very a-peel-ing!

Paraguay Team News

Background
A team with a real pedigree past. In the early World Cups they always did well and then slowly slid into obscurity. This could be linked to the fact they export soya beans, the worlds most hated bean by children aged 6-15. The people of Paraguay seem to have some form of grudge against cows as well as they are a big exporter of leather.

Key players
He may sound like a holiday resort in a far flung paradise but Roque Santa Cruz is also a quality striker who plays for Bayern Munich. Nelson Haedo Valdez also plays in Germany and is a top striker.

Media Opportunities: Some form of leather or cotton related diagram will surely support any article about Paraguay.

Media Threats: Everyone is bound to harp on about the retired Chilavert, the keeper who used to take the free kicks and penalties. You know the one.

Motty Quote: “It may be land-locked Lawro but the coach will no doubt be hoping that he can find the right combination to unlock success in this World Cup”.

Andy's Verdict: In a very tough group and have quite an inexperienced team. Jury is out, will either be the shock of the World Cup 2006 or slide back to obscurity.

Jilly's Verdict: In the team photo I notice the goal keeper is holding one of them at arms length; why? Does he smell?

Poland Team News

Background
There is just something about the Poles that makes you think they have the potential to go ‘Michael Douglas' (see the film Falling Down) at any moment. An erratic performer on the pitch the country seems to give off the appearance of being in a constant state of decline. Heard they do some evil spirits as well and have a nasty Polish Mafia.

Key players
Despite not playing for his club team Liverpool Jerzy Dudek is not a bad keeper and he enables fans to sing the nice song, “We got a pig pole, in our goal” to the tune of we got the whole world in our hands. Tomas Frankowski may sound like a NYPD cop but he is in fact a very good striker.

Media Opportunities: Wodka and big poles will be the diagram of choice.

Media Threats: The fact that the Polish media are still talking about a match they won in 1974 tells you a little something about their prospects. Stuck in the past headlines need to be avoided.

Motty Quote: “Compared with the rest of Europe Poland has a low life expectancy so let's hope they buck that trend and the team survives to the second round hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: In the same group as host nation Germany so will struggle to win it but they are tough team to beat and always good for a bit of potential on-pitch violence.

Jilly's Verdict: Their shorts are too long and their socks are too high. This makes them look as if they are wearing lederhosen!

Portugal Team News

Background
In the 15th and 16th C Portugal was a massive global operator. Along came an earthquake and all that was ruined. That's what A-Level history taught me! Many believe that Portugal is well positioned to go on and win World Cup 2006. Lost the Euro championship final in 2004 to Greece, so we know they are quite handy.

Key players
He is certainly ugly enough to be playing for Brazil, but in Ronaldo Portugal have a quality winger who can double as a striker. Figo has returned from retirement but many say he is past it.

Media Opportunities: Seems a party nation and Portugal is going through a bit of a revival. The media may reflect upon this.

Media Threats: Scandal seems to follow poor Ronaldo around wherever he goes. I will say no more, just keep an eye out!

Motty Quote: “Did you know Lawro that Portugal is one of the largest producers of footwear so let's hope they have their boots laced up properly before this tournament”.

Andy's Verdict: I think they are over-hyped. That being said they have an easy group and if Figo finds his form they could beat anyone on their day.

Jilly's Verdict: Living proof that over-use of hair gel is never a good thing.

Serbia and Montenegro Team News

Background
A country with a chequered history but a beautiful landscape. Went there on holiday once and saw a white horse drawn into a hill side. I would love to see it again, if you know where it is please send me an email. Also the place where I saw my first snake… dead on a road cos my Dad ran it over in car called a Yugo.

Key players
Kezman of Atletico Madrid and Stankovic of Inter-Milan need no introduction. If they are firing then the team is onto a winner.

Media Opportunities: All a bit of a mystery, the picture desks may struggle to find something for these.

Media Threats: The players have been known to fall out with each other very publicly so best to lay off the card games after the matches.

Motty Quote: “Serbia and Montenegro has one of the highest levels of unemployment in Europe so let's hope the boys do the job on the pitch hey Lawro, or they could find themselves fired”.

Andy's Verdict: They a re a good team in a good group. Unless they are careful they could easily find themselves bottom at the group stages.

Jilly's Verdict: Instead of drawing a six packs on the keeper's jumper he needs to just get his ass down the gym.

Spain Team News

Background
They perform so badly in every official tournament that every neutral wants them to do well. The country is slowly being invaded by aging British people but they don't seem to be too bothered. The struggled to get to World Cup 2006 so maybe that's an omen?

Key players
At 28 Raul does not have long left to prove himself on the World Cup stage. Spain has an abundance of good strikers, and also Morientes.

Media Opportunities: So many, El Viva Epsania will no doubt be trotted out at some point.

Media Threats: They have the tag of underachievers and like parents on school parents evening the Spanish national media will be waiting to see if things have improved.

Motty Quote: “Not many people know that medicine is one of the largest products to be exported from Spain so let's hope that the players have had the right dose and are ready to compete, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: I really want them to do well and they should get off to a flying start as their group is not as tough as some of the others.

Jilly's Verdict: A very striking kit worn buy some very striking players, one of my favourite teams so far.

Sweden Team News

Background
The land of sauna's and blonde's can the team live up to the legendary reputation of the nation. Its economy may have been aided by peace and neutrality but the players seem to have the kind of stamina that scared pub dwellers like me. Qualified as runners up in their group World Cup 2006 could be a good year for them.

Key players
Ljungberg is struggling to hold down a first team place at Arsenal but can still do a good job for the Swedes and the aging but inspirational Larsson will always be there to bag a few when needed.

Media Opportunities: Look for diagrams of sauna's and blondes and even Ulrika Johnson.

Media Threats: The British tabloid media may go to town when Sven and the boys play Sweden so maybe best for Swedish nationals to watch that match from the comfort of your own sauna.

Motty Quote: “Sweden is famous for many things such as having their own dedicated Bikini team so let's hope that the players are on thong in this tournament, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: In the same group as England so not sure. Would normally like them to do well but my mind is now confused.

Jilly's Verdict: You don't see enough yellow in the world do you?

Switzerland Team News

Background
Don't be fooled by the cuckoo clock and clog making natives of Switzerland. They are ruthless and there is a reason why their only weapon is that little pen-knife with optional tooth pick. A rich country who could give the Saudi Arabians a run for their money. They quite fancy themselves to do well in this tournament.

Key players
Raphael Wicky may have a funny name but don't say that to his face, he is one of those “midfield general” types which means he is a bit handy.

Media Opportunities: I am personally hoping for a pen knife diagram with one gadget arm for every player in the team.

Media Threats: Let's hope that the seedy underside of the Swiss does not come out. There is a reason they are so rich and it isn't because they like a gamble.

Motty Quote: “Swiss chocolate is meant to be one of the best in the world so lets hope the players don't melt under the pressure, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Quite fancy them to win the group and do well. Would be an outside favourite.

Jilly's Verdict: They are a tough looking bunch, not sure they are good enough to go all the way.

Togo Team News

Background
I know what you are thinking, “has he made this team up”? I had never heard of them either but it is a country in Africa. One of those places where there has been a bit of the old Military Couping going on in recent time. When the President dies in 2005 his son quite fancied the job so he changed the rules for elections and is doing it himself until 2008. Something tells me he might carry on after that as well. Reaching World Cup 2006 is apparently their greatest football achievement.

Key players
Oulfade Adekanmi is the pick of the bunch after he turned down playing for his home country of Nigeria to play for Togo.

Media Opportunities: Not sure anyone knows enough about them?

Media Threats: The President may choose to field himself in the national team. Never ideal, unless you are a headline writer looking for an opportunity.

Motty Quote: “Big producers and exporters of Cocoa so lets hope the players get plenty before they go to bed in order to perform better on the pitch, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: The Kaiser Chiefs predicted a riot; I predict and early exist for these boys.

Jilly's Verdict: The kit looks like a wishy washy version of Brazil, for that reason alone I will support them.

Trinidad and Tobago Team News

Background
Party Party black lace this is the team camp to be in. The boys all know how to have a good laugh and despite the country's relatively low life expectancy we are supposed to believe it is a chilled out place. It cites fertiliser as one of its key exports, which is something the American government disputes and claims is really cannabis. They really struggled to reach World Cup 2006 but have a few aging but handy players to help them out.

Key players
Everyone thought he had retired but Dwight Yorke is still playing on. Was always a handful if not a bit short to trouble the better defenders.

Media Opportunities: Difficult to see how anyone could fall out with this team so expect good press all the way.

Media Threats: An aging squad could see some Zimmer frame diagrams accompanying the stories if things go bad.

Motty Quote: “At present Barbados is in dispute with Trinidad and Tobago about sea borders but lets hope the team holds their ground in this tournament and goes far, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Their group is tough, their players are old, expect them to finish bottom and go out at the early stages.

Jilly's Verdict: Why have they got a guy from Port Vale playing for them?

Tunisia Team News

Background
In 1978 they became the first African team to win at a World Cup finals tournament. They beat Mexico 3-1. they have never won at a World Cup finals since. Famous for being a big old desert the country is hoping to do well and if they can replicate the form they showed to get to the finals then they can go far.

Key players
Hatem Trabelsi plays for the Dutch cleaning company Ajex and is also a star defender and captain of the Tunisian team.

Media Opportunities: A load of camel images may follow Tunisia everywhere they go.

Media Threats: We all have experience of going on holiday to Tunisia and your dad threatening to sell your sister to a camel herder. Oh, right… just me then.

Motty Quote: “Did you know that Tunisia is the world fifth largest producer of lead, so the coach will be hoping they have enough in their pencils to ensure a lengthy stay in World Cup 2006 hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: I think they may be the surprise team for World Cup 2006. They have a reasonable group and may sneak through to the Quarter finals.

Jilly's Verdict: They have no official team photo? Why is that? What have they done wrong? Were they naughty on the team bus?

Ukraine Team News

Background
After Germany, Ukraine was the first team to book a place at the World Cup 2006 finals. Ukraine famously became independent after the Soviet Union collapse in 1991 and since then has had quite a handy football team. The coach has one of those faces that you recognise but I am not sure why? Maybe it is Crimewatch?

Key players
Three words, “Andriy Shevchenko”, he is an awesome talent who can score in the blink of an eye lid (if you blink very slowly). Andrey Voronin of Bayer Leverkusen is another to watch out for if he can remain fit.

Media Opportunities: Big on mining so watch out for men in miners hat images to accompany stories about them digging out results.

Media Threats: Been rumours of dissent in the camp and the coach looks like he can handle himself so be on the look out for bruised players the morning after a match.

Motty Quote: “Sergei Bubka hailed from Ukraine and I hope that he has passed on his tips for being successful to the football team otherwise a few of them may be up for the high jump, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: If they remain vigilant they could go far. Not quite sure what remaining vigilant looks like so let's just wait and see shall we.

Jilly's Verdict: No white man looks good in braids so why do it. Their mum should have a word.

USA Team News

Background
We all know about America, seen by some as a bit of a bully, seen by others at the Worlds saviour. Whatever your opinion you have to admit the country itself is pretty awesome. USA easily qualified for World Cup 2006 and are many tipsters favourites to sneak through. Long gone are the days when we all took the piss out of their inability to play the sacred game.

Key players
Donovan, Reyna and McBride are all very good players. Brad Friedal has retired too early in my opinion so they are left with the balding Kasey Keller in goal.

Media Opportunities: Eagles swooping down on unsuspecting team is what I am waiting for.

Media Threats: They whoop far too much for my liking and a cynical media is bound to drag up something to do with over zealous tactics when attacking an opponent's goal.

Motty Quote: “This squad is bound to have a hunger to live their very own American dream by going all the way to the final, hey Lawro”.

Andy's Verdict: Along with Australia I fancy these to go all the way and well worth having a pound on.

Jilly's Verdict: An alternative angle for the USA team photo. Good choice as well.

*A quote that you could imagine John Motson, the famous UK sports commentator saying - by the way he in no way endorsed this.